Tuesday, April 25, 2017

I don't wanna be troubled again

I don't wanna be troubled again, like I was in high-school when I've made this drawing imagining I can love and be loved like anyone else does, just imagining because I was not allowed to really live my life. By that time I was so lonely, being rejected and even bullied by the kids at school because I was not dating boys. I've never liked boys.  I was just 15 when I've made this. This drawing was like a file in diary to me and now it's a memory and that's why I keep it like I do with all of my drawings. Even if they have no artistic and estetic value they have a sentimental value for me. It was the spring of 2002. By that time the drawing was hidden. I was afraid. I was even afraid of my parents. I was so scared and miserable all the time but somewhere deep within there was hope, hope things will change and we will live in a better world, hope someday I will find that love and feel it, not only dream and make drawings about it, hope one day she will come into my life.

Things have changed slowly here in Romania but I am still single, living with my parents. I've never been with someone for more than one month. People have become more tolerant allowing me to live without feeling that fear and despair all the time and I've managed to have my own social life and make some friends who accept me as I am e but I still cannot be in  a relationship with a woman because here in Romania two women cannot be together. The only form of cohabitation recognized by the state is marriage between a man and a woman. These is still some fragile progress but I am so afraid things might go backwards now when christian right forces rise here in Romania and they want to change the constitution.
I am so afraid and I don't want to suffer again like I did before. I don't wanna go back to that. It was so hard for me to get out of it.

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